Living On The Sidelines
by pinksunglassesandblazers
Summary: What if Blaine never had the "100% gay" epiphany back in high school? What if Klaine never happened? Its 4 years later and they're all in New York, but nothing seems right. Could Kurt be in for an interesting turn of events?
1. Prologue

**A/N: Based on the idea that Blaine never admitted to the already known knowledge that he was, in fact, gay on the _Blame It on the Alcohol_ episode. Blaine and Rachel got together, which means Kurt and Blaine never did and Rachel and Finn never made up. **

PS: If you want, you can follow me on tumblr. I'm pinksunglassesandblazers (you know what to do).

* * *

Kurt was happy. He really was. _"I'm engaged!"_ Rachel had said, practically squealing over the phone. He truly couldn't be happier for his best friend. He really couldn't. He could hear Rachel bustling excitedly; sure that she was jumping up and down like a little girl.

Even though he knew she couldn't see him, he smiled – though it didn't feel very genuine. "I'm really happy for you and Blaine, Rachel," he confessed halfheartedly.

She let out an excited scream and he had to pull his phone back from his ear. "I'll call you later, ok? We're going to call Cooper."

"Don't worry. We'll do lunch tomorrow. I want to hear all the details," he said, pushing back the tears pooling in his eyes, not knowing why they were there in the first place.

"Ok, bye!" he heard the phone click before he could reciprocate.

Kurt sighed and threw his phone on the couch. He never understood why he always felt like this when it came to Rachel and Blaine's relationship. Rachel was his _best friend_, and he and Blaine had been very close friends since high school too. Sure, he had had a crush on Blaine back in junior year, but those were just silly schoolboy crushes like Sam and Finn. Blaine was _straight, _as he had proudly announced that day years ago at the Lima Bean after his and Rachel's second kiss. He also loved Rachel, and was going to be happily married to her soon. _Happily married. _It seemed like a looming death sentence. Something you could never get out of.

Kurt shook himself. This was all probably in his imagination. He was totally capable of being happy for them, right?

A soft knock broke Kurt out of his troubled thoughts.

"Hey, babe," sandy blonde hair, harm green eyes and a cheeky smile greeted him at the door of his apartment.

"Hey, Seb," he leaned up and kissed his boyfriend chastely.

Sebastian followed him into the living room, plopping down on the couch and bringing Kurt down with him. Kurt sighed, crossing his legs over Sebastian's lap and letting him trail the column of his throat with warm, wet kisses.

"So what's the game plan for today?" he murmured against Kurt's skin, biting below his jawline.

A moan escaped from Kurt's lips. Sebastian had always had a very talented mouth. "I have no plans today," he told his boyfriend as he threw his head back, moaning yet again.

The other male chuckled conspiratorially, breath tickling the soft skin behind Kurt's ear. "Well, I can think of a way to preoccupy our time," he whispered, his breath warm and moist against Kurt's ear. He made his way to Kurt's lips for a slow kiss.

Before he knew it, Kurt's mouth was being invaded by Sebastian's tongue, moving together in a practiced familiarity. Kurt pushed at Sebastian's shoulders, pinning him against the couch. "We can't, baby. Tina and 'Cedes are going to be home soon," he panted, out of breath as Sebastian rubbed his hand on the inside of his thigh.

"Then we better get started, shouldn't we?" he said with an evil grin, pushing Kurt down on the couch and ducking his head for a heated kiss.

Like every time they had sex, –mind-blowing, no doubt – Kurt felt like something was missing. He could never put his finger on it, but he just didn't feel quite all there. As Sebastian thrusted into him, kissed him and worshipped every inch of his body, Kurt felt like a spectator. He felt like he was watching the whole act, as always; just like he was watching his life pass him by, living on the sidelines.


	2. Chapter 1

**WARNING: Short Kurtbastian smut scene (please don't kill me Klaine fellow shippers). It's all part of the plot, trust me. You'll all understand in later chapters.**

* * *

"Of course, Rach," he says almost instantly.

"So then…" and she goes on, nibbling on her salad as she recalls everything right down to the moment Blaine got on one knee, being the old-fashioned gentleman he is, and asked for her hand in marriage. "It was perfect! He had even talked to my dads and asked for my hand. He's always such a gentleman," she's gushing at this point.

Kurt offers her a half-hearted smile. "He's always been a charmer, ever since high school," he says earnestly.

"Yeah," Rachel says dreamily, but mostly to herself. There is a moment of silence which Rachel breaks immediately. "And, well, I was thinking," the sudden change in the tone of her voice makes Kurt look up at her from his untouched linguini. He raises a curious eyebrow and she smiles nervously, squirming under his inquisitive gaze before he prompts her to continue with a wave of his hand, "I-I want you to be my maid of honor, Kurt."

At her request, both of Kurt's eyebrows shoot up, nearly disappearing into his hairline as his eyes go wide. Shock is obvious on his face.

"Well, more like _man _of honor," she stutters out with a laugh, clearly nervous at this point.

Doubt settles over Kurt's features. "I don't know, Rach…" he begins before she cuts him off.

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel," he sighs, internally rolling his eyes at the resolute attitude that takes over his best friend. He immediately recognizes the determined look that she would always get that meant that what Rachel wanted, Rachel got. Her whole life was enough proof of that. "You are my best friend. You have been ever since junior year. You are the person I trust the most and the person who knows me best. Well, besides Blaine," she gives him a smile, which he doesn't return. "There is no better person – guy or girl – that could be my maid – well, _man – _of honor," she pauses again, before deciding to finish off her grand speech, "…and my wedding planner." The last phrase is said in one swooped breath, her smile turning anxious as she waits for an answer.

Kurt's eyes widen even more, if that's possible. He doesn't know what to say. He gapes at her, rendered speechless. But he doesn't have much time to compose himself. Before he can formulate a response, before we even decided what to think of this whole situation, Rachel's resolve has once again made its appearance and she goes in for the kill.

"Now, come now, Kurt. You are talented, stylish, elegant and organized. You would be my _perfect _wedding planner," when all else fails, flattery is Rachel's answer, "and-and I am _not _taking no for an answer." She looks down at her lap, fiddling nervously with her fingers. When she looks up, she has the biggest puppy-dog eyes she can muster. _Now this just isn't fair_, Kurt thinks. She delivers her last closing line in a whisper, her eyes slightly watering, "Please, Kurt, I need you. I have no one else."

_Now that _is _true_, he remembers sadly. Their high school friends aren't exactly happy with Rachel. Ever since that summer before senior year, most of the New Directions had turned a cold shoulder on her, barely speaking to her. It resulted in Blaine transferring to McKinley the next school year as an act of support for Rachel, so she wouldn't feel so alone. Though things lightened up throughout the year, anyone who wasn't blind could still see the change they'd had towards Rachel. That senior year Rachel had closed herself off. It all made her strive even harder to reach her goal, her dream of coming to New York and studying at NYADA. After graduation things took a cold turn yet again. No one even tried to keep in touch with Rachel. Kurt was her only friend from her past life in Lima and McKinley.

Kurt shakes himself out of his walk down memory lane, eyes coming into full focus as he looks at his waiting friend. His eyes soften when he takes in her sad features, immediately missing the confident Rachel Berry that he knows and has come to love. "Sure, Rachel. I'll be your man of honor," her smile in reply is wide and warm and unfaltering as she encourages him to continue. "And your wedding planner," he finishes with an exasperated laugh. He could really be a pushover sometimes.

"Yay!" she claps excitedly, bouncing in her seat. "Now let's get some cheesecake to celebrate."

* * *

"So tight, so perfect," Sebastian grunts as he slips Kurt's legs over his shoulders, changing the angle and quickening his pace, pushing into him at a steady rhythm. Kurt is close, if his heavy panting doesn't give him away, his endless babbling sure does. Seeing this, Sebastian smiles mischievously, mostly to himself, and slows. It always drives Kurt nearly insane. As he moves at an achingly slow pace he grips Kurt's hips, guiding them forward to meet his thrusts.

Kurt moans, getting lost in the sensations. Eyes shut – always shut – and mouth hanging open, he releases low shallow breaths and mumbled incoherencies. Gripping the sheets, he throws his head from side to side; body writhing with every drag. "Fuck! Faster, harder! FUCK!" he's screaming and arching his back.

He hears Sebastian murmur something as he picks up his pace and suddenly Kurt is being bent in half, knees pressed up against his chest. Sebastian captures Kurt's bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling on it and he's speeding his fucks even more into a quick, spastic rhythm. He works his hand between them, wrapping it firmly around Kurt's shaft to stroke it roughly. With just a few jerks the heat in Kurt's stomach explodes, sending him over the edge. Kurt comes with a yell and Sebastian follows only moments after, Kurt's name falling from his lips.

Kurt comes down from his high with his eyes still sealed shut, shivering as his breath evens out. He feels Sebastian place his legs back on the bed and relaxes on the bed, humming contently. Sebastian hops off and Kurt hears him fussing around, surely discarding the condom. Moments later the mattress dips and he feels firm lips mouthing right under his jaw and a warm washcloth being wiped over his stomach.

"I love how you smell right after sex," Sebastian whispers happily against his skin. Kurt can feel him smiling as most of Sebastian's weight settles over him.

He sighs and tries to turn on his side, Sebastian clinging to him tightly and holding him down with his weight. Taking a deep, defeated breath, he sprawls back against the mattress, Sebastian snuggling up on his side. Opening his eyes, he looks up at the ceiling, waiting for the warmth he always expects to flood his chest, that head-to-toe warm feeling you were supposed to get after sharing yourself with the person you loved. It doesn't come; it never does. He feels cold and dull, so distant; never a full participant in the acts of his own life.

Sebastian is placing wet, open-mouthed kisses over his neck and shoulder when Kurt shoots out of bed, cowering away from the emptiness settling over him. At Sebastian's disgruntled whine he spins around, "I got dinner tonight, remember? With Rachel and Blaine," Kurt prompts while searching his closet for tonight's outfit of choice.

He can practically feel Sebastian roll his eyes, "Didn't you have lunch with her just this week?"

"I am discussing wedding plans with them, remember?"

"Oh, I forgot, Mr. and Mrs. Perfect are tying the knot. How exciting," the sarcasm dripping from Sebastian's words is practically palpable. "Anyways, have fun tonight. I guess you'll get dinner _and _a show with the yapping Jew and the perky midget."

Kurt turns narrowing his eyes protectively. "They're my _friends_, Seb," he says defensively. "What is it with your eternal rivalry with Blaine, anyway? Are you jealous of him or something?"

Silence falls over the room and Kurt instantly regrets his words. He could feel the atmosphere in the room change. It wasn't anger anymore, there was hurt. Kurt returns to his closet evasively, unable to stand the awkward silence anymore, yet he is determined not to be the first to speak and break it. He's never been very good at confrontations.

The next words to come out of his boyfriend's mouth are cold and distant; hurt visibly surfacing in his tone. "Whatever. I'm flying out to Ohio tomorrow, in case you – my _boyfriend – _cared to know," Sebastian's words are like ice. He hears Sebastian zip up his jeans as he continues speaking, "My dad wants me to visit before the semester starts up again, so you won't be seeing him for a whole week. But I guess that won't be a problem since you'll have your fabulous dwarf buddies to keep you company," the sarcastic tone that reigns in Sebastian's tone as he says his last sentence is one Kurt knows too well.

"Sebastian wait!" but Kurt is too late. Sebastian is out of the apartment, taking his clothes with him and slamming the door behind him.

* * *

"Grande Not-fat Mocha?"

Kurt can't help but smile. He would recognize that voice anywhere. When he turns he comes face to face with a warm enthusiastic smile. Thick triangular eyebrows frame a pair of honey golden eyes that greet him happily.

"And what brings you around here?" Blaine's enthusiasm this early in the morning could be found annoying; Kurt just finds it endearing and quite contagious.

He opens his mouth in reply, but is interrupted by the girl at the register asking for his order, yet he doesn't get a change to answer her either.

"Yeah that'll be a Grande Not-fat Mocha for him and a Medium Drip for me. Oh, and can I have one of those blueberry muffins? Thanks and keep the change," Blaine pays the girl, accompanied with a charming wink and throws Kurt a sideways smile. "Blueberry is still your favorite, right?"

Minutes later Kurt finds himself sitting across from Blaine at a table, nibbling on his muffin while the other sips his coffee. He leans back and relaxes, letting himself ease into the comfortable silence that surrounds them.

"You still haven't answered my question."

Kurt looks up to meet a pair of warm inquiring eyes. "Hmm?"

"I asked," exclaims the ex-warbler as he sets his coffee down, "what brings you around here? Haven't seen you around this place in a while. I thought you were – and I quote – 'cutting back on unnecessarily expensive coffee'."

"Well, I just didn't feel like making myself a cup of coffee this morning," Kurt deflects as he turns his chin up, clearly showing no intention of further explaining himself.

Blaine laughs. "What about your roommates? I know Tina's not a fan of coffee, but you yourself told me Mercedes can make a mean cup of java," he quirks an eyebrow at Kurt.

Mercedes…images of her disapproving looks and interrogative questions from their sort-of-argument this morning flood into Kurt's head. Somehow their little 'chat' had gone from talking about Rachel's impending wedding to her asking him about his and Sebastian's relationship, something Kurt did not want to discuss. Sebastian wasn't a bad boyfriend. He was a great boyfriend, actually. He was attentive and loving. He made sure to let Kurt know how much he loved him and how special he was to him. The sex was pretty good, though a bit rough for his liking. Overall Kurt couldn't complain. Yet he sometimes wondered why he felt like Sebastian was the only one in this relationship. Kurt was very unsure about his feelings himself, he certainly didn't feel like explaining them to anyone else, even if it was Mercedes.

"Kurt?" Blaine's voice pulls him out of his internal monologue. "You kind of blanked out on me there," he smiles his ever-charming smile. Perceptive as always, he continues to ask, "Everything okay with you and Mercedes?"

"Oh, we just had a little fight," he shook his head, "boring roommate stuff."

Blaine puckers his lips, evidently unconvinced, but not pressing any further.

"So, why couldn't you make it to dinner last night?" Kurt desperately needs a topic change.

"Work stuff," Blaine confesses in a huff and leans back. "Boss wanted me to file some cases before the weekend."

"How exciting," Kurt says with just a hint of sarcasm and a giggle, which Blaine returns. "I never pegged you as the lawyer type," and he really didn't. He always imagined Blaine as a music or theater major, not in an uptight law firm.

"I'm not a lawyer _yet_," Blaine counters with a laugh. "I'm just an assistant. Heck, I'm not even in law school. I'm only half way through my political science major."

Kurt joins him in his laughter. "I know, I know, but still. You know what I mean," he says while taking a sip of his coffee, looking at the other man over the rim of his cup. For a moment, he feels the unmistakable press of leather running up his inner calf. His eyes lock with Blaine's. A phone buzzes and the moment is gone. Both the gaze and warmth against his leg were going with it.

Blaine thumbs through his iPhone. "I'm still getting congratulations for the engagement," he smiles at Kurt nervously, waving his cellphone.

Kurt blinks and gulps audibly. Blaine is engaged, he reminds himself. And to his best friend, none the less. He offers the man across the table a weak smile that doesn't reach his eyes, "And how does it feel? The wedding and all? Are you excited?"

Blaine responds with a shrug of his shoulders. He looks down at his cup, fiddling with the lid, "It makes Rachel happy. And our families are ecstatic." Seeing this change in Blaine's demeanor throws Kurt off, but he doesn't press on.

The silence between them suddenly turns uncomfortable. "Anyways," he snaps, "I have to get going. I as actually headed over to Sebastian's," he stands quickly and grabs his messenger bag, throwing it over his shoulder.

Blaine straightens, going rigid and sitting up uncomfortably. "Oh, well I shouldn't be keeping you then," he says in a business-like tone, standing up as well. "I better get going, too. I have some, um, work to do."

Kurt pats Blaine on the shoulder awkwardly with a tight lipped smile. "See you soon, Blaine," he says before exiting the coffee shop.

* * *

"Well look at you, finally making your presence known," later that morning Kurt finds himself being greeted by Tina's cheerful voice as he shuffles through the door of their apartment. She pokes her head out the kitchen entryway, giving him a bright smile. "Sebastian came by looking for you a little earlier. He said he tried to call you, but you never answered."

Kurt's eyebrows draw together in confusion. He searches through his bag, panic rising when he doesn't find his Blackberry.

"Looking for this?" Tina is right in front of him, holding out his cellphone.

Kurt smiles at his friend. "Guess I left it here this morning. I was actually over at his place hoping to catch him before he left," he explains, scrolling through Sebastian's' texts.

**From: Sebastian  
**Where r u?

**From: Sebastian  
**Are you really ignoring me?

**From: Sebastian  
**I can't believe you're ignoring me.

**From: Sebastian  
**Really mature, great way to say goodbye to your boyfriend.

**From: Sebastian  
**Getting on the plane. Don't bother calling me.

Kurt sighs. He'll have a lot of making up to do when Sebastian gets back. He looks up to find Tina's face scrunched up in confusion.

"I don't get it. Why didn't you know what time his flight was leaving?"

"Sebastian and I kind of had a fight yesterday and –"

"Mmmhhmmm," Mercedes accusatory hum as she passes by interrupts him from explaining any further. Kurt releases a low breath, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger.

"I'll explain later, Tina," he smiles at her warmly. "I need to talk to Mercedes alone, okay?"

"Sure!" Tina agrees and returns to the kitchen, cheerful as ever.

Kurt makes his way to the living room, finding Mercedes on the couch, remote in hand as she flips through the channels. At Kurt's entrance she settles on Jersey Shore, turning the volume up without a glance at her friend.

"'Cedes…"

She turns the volume up a bit more, making as if she is enthralled by the drama occurring between the cast.

"Mercedes you can stop pretending. I know you hate that show," he practically screams over the volume. "I actually came to apologize for this morning."

"I don't want to hear it," she deadpans after turning off the television.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I _don't _want to hear it," she turns to face him and he is almost on the verge of tears, it's not even noon and this day is already too exhausting.

"Mercedes, I'm sorry…" he's about to start babbling, but she stops him with a raised hand.

"I don't want another apology, Kurt. I want you to be honest with me. You are one of my best friends and I worry about you," she says honestly and Kurt all but collapses beside her on the couch, defeated. She lifts his chin so they are at eye level. "I forgive you," he smiles, "BUT under the condition that you actually talk to me. With honesty," she finishes with a stern stare.

He complies, eyes shifting to the floor, "All right, I promise not to close myself off."

"Good. Then let's start now."

"Now?" he sits up.

"Yes, NOW," she fixes him her diva glare before continuing, "Now, tell me boy, what is up with you and Sebastian?"

Kurt takes a deep breath and tells her everything. From the fight, to the texts and finally all the feelings he's been having. How he feels like he's not into the relationship as Sebastian is and how he always feels slightly out of place.

Mercedes nods silently as she takes it all in, biting her lower lip in thought. When she finally speaks her voice takes on an obvious tone, "And why don't you just break up with him?"

Kurt just looks down, embarrassed, and answers, "I-I'm afraid to." He picks at his nails, not wanting to lift his gaze from his lap.

"Why?" she's not even mad, just confused.

"I don't want to be alone," he says immediately, voice soft as a whisper.

"What?" Mercedes exclaims loudly.

Kurt jumps and scoots back to settle at the other end of the couch, away from Mercedes. He begins to speak quickly, "Well, you have Sam, and Tina has Mike. Rachel and Blaine and, hell, even Finn has Quinn with all of their crazy fights. I don't want to feel lonely." He's back to staring at his lap, not wanting to admit that, even when he's with Sebastian, he feels completely alone.

Mercedes sighs and makes her way towards him on the couch. "Listen to me, Kurt," she says, "I cannot force you to do anything, let alone break up with Sebastian, but I'll be damned if I at least don't try to talk some sense into you." She pulls him gently by the arm, forcing him to look at her, "You are not being fair to him, or yourself. You are keeping him from finding someone who could love him back and you are making yourself miserable in the process. You fight with him _every day _over the dumbest things and you are sad or angry all the time. You've lost your whit. The Kurt Hummel I met at McKinley High is not the Kurt Hummel that is here with me today. You used to have sass and attitude. Now all I see is a dejected, sad version of yourself. You are not happy and don't even make me talk about the way I see you blank out when Sebastian being affectionate with you," Kurt flinches at that, he'd always denied that he does that, even to himself. "There's someone out there for you, Kurt," her voice softens and her eyes almost look sad, "you just have to be patient." She pulls him into a hug before concluding, "Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself." She stands with one last sad look at Kurt, slight moisture in her eyes. "Think about it," she says before leaving Kurt alone with his thoughts.

That night Kurt tossed and turned in his sleep. Mercedes words replayed in his head, even haunting him in his sleep. After hours of pacing and thinking, he crawled back into bed as the sun began to rise over the New York skyline with a firm decision made. Next Saturday when Sebastian returned to the city he would sit down and talk to him honestly, then he would gently break up with him.

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**A/N: I hope you enjoyed! As always, reviews and comments are welcomes.**

PS: If you want, you can follow me on tumblr. My url is pinksunglassesandblazers! :D


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